Anna’s Journal Entry

Update:

My son is home this week for a midwinter break, so I am hoping that tomorrow I will sit both of my children down to look at these three pictures and ask them to talk about them. If all goes according to plan, I will have a more substantial update for you in class on Wednesday. I have selected three images, one of which you have already seen. The bottom image is from Matthew’s graduation last June and the top one is from a few summers ago of them walking into the murky waters of Brighton Beach. I chose these three because in them I am always behind, on all three they are walking, and in all three my son’s gaze is away from me. I want to hear from my children there thoughts, their memories, their impressions, and make sure that their narrative has as much room in this project as does mine.

Inspiration:

I was very intrigued by the conversation we had last class with Wendy and the interaction vs. stillness of photographs, which was achieved by cutting out parts of the picture and then putting them together. I don’t know yet if this means anything, but I was so moved and impressed by how this process of carefully cutting different parts of a picture changed our perception of the images.

I am also endlessly inspired by all of your work and desperately trying to keep up. Thank you for that stimulation and motivation.

Two quotes have been on my mind since our last class, which have been driving my thinking.

• Using images as a way of seeing what is not sayable, something I think Wendy said in one of her videos, when she talked about her projects. I believe we all talked about it in one way or another, but I think it is very powerful to use images to represent something, show something, illustrate something, which cannot be said in any other mode.
• Another quote was brought up by Gene, who reminded me of Lisa Delpit’s work. “We do not really see through our eyes or hear through our ears, but through our beliefs.” I think it is very important to remind ourselves that everything we do in research will be shaped by who we are and understanding who we are and embracing our subjectivity is a luxury and strength of our work. Once it is done, it will be up to those viewing the work and up to their interpretations, which will be shaped by their beliefs. While it is daunting to think about how others will interpret our work, as we try to insure that we are understood, I think it is better to focus on representation of our thinking through our projects as transparently as possible, the rest is out of our hands anyway.

Going forward: 

I am hoping to have an update for you very soon with how the interaction went between my children. I am hoping that during this conversation, which I will video record, themes will emerge. I am also choosing quotes about memories, coming of age, and letting go from my fellow Russian thinkers/writers/researchers (Turgenev, Vygotsky, and possibly Bakhtin), as they undoubtedly shaped who I am today and my sentimental/melancholic nature. They may or may not find their way into the project. Time will tell.

Process:  I used my time this week to focus on creating with my project. I decided to use canvas with acrylic paints and it was an exciting process because this is the first time I have ever painted on canvas (I was nervous to begin, because I didn’t want to mess up). Logistically, I had some difficulty transferring my map outline to the canvas. I had traced my map outline on 8.5″x11″ paper, so I decided to tape one map to the 8″x10″ canvas. I drew in heavy pen, hoping some outline would bleed through to the canvas below, but it ended up piercing the paper and cutting/drawing as I went town by town around Nassau County. Clearly there must be an easier way to do this.

I then used a paint pen (sacrilegious?) to make the borders appear darker, and then filled in white/black to signify towns with at least 30% white/black population. I tried to build up the red borders between the black communities so it was almost a visible wall. I then scoured some articles in the newspaper for phrases and words that symbolize this racist layout of Nassau county, pasting them as borders around the most segregated towns. Finally, I painted the literal number of black citizens in each town (30 people or less) as of the 2010 census.

Reflection:  I would like to find a way for the white part of the map to pop out more, because it is too similar to the canvas color itself. Painting the surrounding areas of the map blue, as water and an island, could symbolize the isolation of this segregation. My wife also had the idea of collaging some images around the borders of the painting, images that relate to the housing/social discrimination which led us here (Levittown house ads, black soldiers coming home from WWII, banks who deny home mortgages to people of color). I am not sure if this will clutter the image or add to the story.

Going forward:  It is my intention to make multiple maps, because depending on what data I include, a different story is told. The map showing percentage of white population tells a different story that the one showing black population. I also want a bigger map so I can fit the towns names within the borders (someone recommended projecting the image of my map on a smart board, taping a canvas to the smart board and tracing over the image). I had an idea to paint this map on different backgrounds, as well, perhaps some that evoke different emotions . After hearing the reaction of someone who, when looking at one iteration of data on the map, was in disbelief, I thought I could record people’s reactions to seeing the map, and then using these sounds as a background (over headphones?) for the display. Another idea is to collect field-recordings in public spaces in some of these towns, and map them through contact points within the map, so that when you touch it, it will give you an idea of sound from that area. All of these ideas are floating in my head, and I’m not sure how much of it I will be able to accomplish this semester. I will bring my initial creation on Wednesday so I can get feedback from everyone.

In the New York Times article Answering Society’s Thorniest Questions, With Performance Art by Megan O’Grady, artist William Pope.L states the importance of interactive art. I hope to accomplish this with my project by creating a space in which viewers can write their thoughts. I want to instigate a moment of introspection in which we, as marginalized people, do not look first for racism outside but look inside. Maybe this won’t sit well with some viewers, but that it is my point precisely. There is systemic racism and prejudice driven mainly by those in power that at times has become subconsciously internalized. However, we must confront the hegemony of internalized racism, and in taking on such an endeavor, becoming, in the words of Freire, conscientização (2015). I hope for mutuality in this project in which artist and participants engage in dialogue as art, becoming a conduit for identity formation.

In my last post, Gene asked me a series of questions that go to the heart of everything we do as teachers, scholars, researchers and human beings, questions that point to the social enterprise of identity formation. While reading Luttrell’s articles, I perceived the teenage pregnant students as somewhat agentive in re-creating their identities. This made me think how Luttrell created a space for these young women in which “the transgressive image” can become an act of subversion. They were fashioning new identities out of what they could find in popular magazines that they could relate to. However, many contradictory forces were at play and there was little they had in common with the women in the images in these imaginary worlds. This exercise did not bring to the forefront the pain beneath the surface that comes from “giving birth” to a new identity. Luttrell and these young women were engaged in a subversive act of identity formation, seeing themselves from different perspectives than that of the colonizing gaze. I could not help wondering about how painful this exercise of answering, “Who am I?” was to them. They had to look at the glaring reality of their lives in which lack of representation, (“[t]here is nobody who represents me in this magazine”) and internalized racism (“avoid ‘acting colored’”) are part of their daily lives, to be discussed with someone who did not share their experiences. As Nick states, we must acknowledge the “imbalance of power.” I recognize that we as researchers must tread carefully when engaging in these acts of subversion. William Pope.L states, “letting go of a certain amount of control in order to test … ideas outside the predictable became part of the art itself” (O’Grady, 2018). I hope my project creates a space in which, if anything becomes obscure, it should be the artist, rather than the participants.

I recorded myself “laying out” my first collage. The original video was over 15 minutes long, so I increased the speed 4x and the video now is about 3 minutes.  I’ve uploaded the video to my YouTube channel.  A photograph of the finished product is below.

Before I began recording, I sifted through the hundreds of clippings I’ve gathered over the last ten years. It is important to me that each collage includes images from my “current” self and from my “past” self.  I started collecting images around the time I discovered Kerouac so these collages should be about me just as much as they are about him. Like a dialogue between the three of us.

I selected the clippings that felt like they went together and could help me make a cohesive message.  It was more of a feeling thing than a calculated thing. I like the idea of recording myself laying out the collage because it makes me less worried that I will miss something, or forget something that happened. I also like the process of “laying out” the collages because they’re not permanent yet and I’m not tethered to one particular composition.