- What did you set out to do in this class? What were your initial objectives and expectations? Were they personal? Were they political? Did you want to elicit and/or evoke and/or understand or make sense of and/or persuade? What did you want your project to serve and do?
My thesis research is on popular education; I was drawn to popular education because it makes the link between democratic learning and democratic economic and political systems. In my work, I facilitate educational programs based in popular education at a non-profit that works on community organizing campaigns. However, rarely have I had the opportunity to explore my own personal experiences and that felt like an important thing for me to experience firsthand as an educator.
When my mother died, the need to connect with people and share life experiences became a much more pressing need for me. I had gone through something so intense, and the world seemed to move around me as if death was an inconvenient or unfortunate topic of conversation. Things looked so different to me after the experiences I had of being a caretaker for my mom and witnessing her grapple with what was happening and showing us the things most important to her.
In beginning the project, I wanted to better understand how people express the kind of connection that grows out of loss and separation. I was interested in this because I felt communication- expressing and receiving- with others was so central to making sense of my lived experiences. I felt very viscerally how processing experiences into wisdom is a collective endeavor. I was also interested to do this because I wanted to be part of creating the cultural dialogue around the meaning of death and the value of life I so craved. I thought I could create this dialogue in my project with artists who sought to express connection through loss and struggle.
As I developed my project more, it became less about dialogue with artists whose images I was finding and more about the dialogue that was happening in our class and our blog. I came to realize that presenting my project and witnessing the projects of others was a form of the dialogue I was seeking. This encouraged me, and I stopped conceiving of my project as compiling the work of other artists and starting trying out what I could produce myself. I wanted to put my experience out there, just lay it bare, and have others grapple with it, as I grapple with it myself. It felt valuable because of the universality of what I went through with my mom, the cultural silence around death, and the immense light it sheds on the purpose of life.
2. What was the first arts-based artifact you produced/collected/elicited whether it was a sketch or something more “finished.” What did you produce/collect/elicit next? Make a list of all these pieces and place each in the order in which it was produced and collected.
Rubbings of the floors in my mother’s apartment
Sketches of the outline of Manhattan
Pictures during the process of moving out
Torn fabric with fragments of conversations written on it
Sketches of images from one of my mother’s books
Sketching of my hand
Sketching of a photo of my mom
Sketching of a photo of us together
3.Write down what you were thinking and feeling with each image listed above. You might also document your feeling/thoughts between images.
-Rubbings of the floors in my mother’s apartment—There was a sense of calm I experienced while doing these. There was something about the act of having the apartment rubbed into the paper that felt like the right thing to be doing in that moment. It allowed me to see the floors anew, which seemed to me to mimic the ways in which I would return to memories over and over, seeking new meanings. It also allowed me to feel I had a tool to show people on some level what I was loosing—these floors over which our feet walked through so many moments, through a full lifetime.
-Sketches of the outline of Manhattan—This was an interesting thing to do because I realized that I had never focused so closely on the shape of Manhattan. I traced maps from before European colonizers arrived up through this year. Yet, through all of those massive changes the way the island curved just so stayed just the same.
-Pictures during the process of moving out—This was an idea that grew out of the group reflection we had on the maps I drew during our working session. Gene asked me how our relationship to place would be different if we marked what was sacred. How would it be different if the life that had been lived in my home was somehow conveyed. I wanted to experiment with creating that marking of the life lived there before we left. Then, I also thought to take photos during some of the moments that represented the contradictions and irony of being a caretaker in capitalism. How when you love someone in a society that values things over people, that love means you may have to do something you would never want to do, like signing an affidavit for the landlord saying we were leaving voluntarily so we wouldn’t be taken to court. But then the next moment, we were writing notes to the people we grew up with in the building. The humane and sacred existed side by side with the business of daily life in capitalism.
-Torn fabric with fragments of conversations written on it—This was a wonderful thing for me to do because I revisited audios of conversations I took through out the process, and I got to reflect on my words and the words of friends anew. The fabric was something we had used during the Jewish tradition of embodying the rupture of death through tearing fabric. Cheryl Strayed wrote how the “obliterated place” is equal parts destruction and creation. I wanted to show this through writing on those torn pieces of fabric the conversations I shared as friends, family and I tried to understand what had happened and how we went on from here.
-Sketches of images from one of my mother’s books—This was something I wanted to do to show the ways in which the experience of packing up someone’s things is so many, many things we might often think of as contradictory. It would be one of those things where in the saddest of moments you would find something that made you think of how very silly that person was.
-Sketching of my hand—This was a more difficult photo to sketch because it was challenging for me to see the lines and the creases of my hands and the fingerprints, which was why I was sketching my hand in the first place. It’s hard to sketch a good hand!
-Sketching of a photo of my mom and sketching of a photo of us together—These were the sketches I was most hesitant to do but turned out to be the most meaningful for me to sketch. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I had of bringing the feeling of care which was so strong during my mom’s illness back into my body through the care my hand put into the sketch.
- What was the relationship between you and your materials? Why did you choose the materials you chose? How did the materials you used mediate your thinking? Did the relationship between you and your materials change over the course of the semester?
At first I thought I would work more with paint on canvass. But using the glassine paper ended up giving me so many more options and became a very valuable material to me. The glassine paper itself started to represent to me the experiences I was having of the power and limitations of communication and memory. The way in which I could trace something, and you would sort of see what its full form had been but not quite. This evoked for me the imperfect-ness of conveying lived experience through words. The sketches on glassine- which both evoked what I had traced with surprising clarity at points and also were unable to fully convey what had been traced- also evoked for me the difficulties I had in even connecting to my own memories and the life I lived with my mother, which sometimes returned to me very strongly and other times felt completely inaccessible. The paper also brought me into much closer relationship with the story I was telling. In helping me focus on these important artifacts- floors, photos, handwritten notes- I would be transported back to moments that I was hoping to convey and investigate with people. I was being transported to the experiences out of which I was theorizing. I felt I was being given an important tool for expression that would translate into more meaningful communication with others.
5. Did you find it necessary to add text or sound to your imagery? If so, why?
I did add text to my imagery because it felt like to evoke the moments I was trying to convey there were certain words I wanted to share. I also did an audio recording of walking through the apartment, which I haven’t figured out yet exactly how I’ll incorporate. The audio of that sound felt important to me because the way a place sounds is one of those things you can’t bring with you and also so much a part of the feel of a place, even when we aren’t aware of it.
6. Reflect upon how your thinking about arts-based exploration changed as you were creating/curating images.
I think during this course I gained a lot more confidence in using images to convey and theorize around my experiences. There were moments when I would finish my sketches and look at them again and see reflected back to me what it was I wanted to communicate. What a wonderful feeling! And something arose from seeing what had lived in me as a memory looking back at me. Curating allowed me to understand how I could externalize what lived inside of me through the narration that the images created in a particular sequence and as a totality. I spent a lot of time thinking about which order made sense based on how I thought people might feel from one image to the next.
7. Has your thinking/feeling about scholarship changed as you were creating/curating images? How?
The work I did in the course opened up for me experientially a whole new way to communicate meaning. I’m working on my literature review for my thesis right now, and I used images in my lit review as a base from which to explore and understand popular education. I don’t think I would have had the confidence to do that if I hadn’t taken this course. Arts based research feels like one of the strongest practices to theorize from lived experiences that I’ve encountered.
8. Did anything unexpected happen as you were working on your project?
Many, many unexpected things happened while I was working on my project! The rubbings were unexpected. At first I thought I was going to do something abstract with paint and string. But it didn’t feel quite right. There was a way where I wanted to return to the concrete-ness of my experience to investigate. I also moved through many different questions throughout the course of my project. One of my hopes for this summer is that I’ll have time to return to our videos and writings more fully to incorporate the process and how my questions evolved throughout my project.
9. Were your objectives at the end of the semester the same as those at the beginning of the semester? Explain.
My objectives at the end of the course were tied to but distinct from my objectives at the beginning of the course. In the beginning of the course I had a general question- how do people convey the experience of connection in loss. At the end of the course, I had a series of questions tied to particular experiences I was conveying in my rubbings, such as how does identity shift through grief, what is the relationship between place, people and memory, and what is the importance and limitations of communication. These questions arose organically through the process I went through of interacting with my lived experiences through creating images.
10. What do you think the strengths of your process and products were?
I think the strengths of my process and products were the depth of feeling I brought to my project and how much I cared about what I was doing. I put a lot of intention in what I did, and I was really moved by our classes and seriously integrated our dialogue into my work.
11. What, if any, are the dissatisfactions with what you’ve done?
My project was difficult for me to work on at times. I had to have time to create an environment in which the work felt productive and healing to engage in. I had more ideas than I was able to do, and I had to accept that I would present my work as in process and work against my own perfectionism.
12. Do you plan to continue using arts-based methods as part of your scholarly activities?
I will definitely be using an arts-based methodology as part of my literature review, and as part of the pedagogy in the educational program I lead at my work. My thesis is about this program, and so the ways in which we use images and art to investigate themes and generate knowledge will be part of my analysis as well.
13. How would you characterize/assess your experience taking this course?
This was a beautiful course. I have developed such a fondness for each one of you. I think it is a testament to the impact of arts based research that I really feel engaged in what each of you do, in how your projects develop and what they ultimately become in your work. I loved the combination of guest artists, sharing projects as a class and having our blog. Even though our posts were sometimes inconsistent, I read what people posted every week, and I feel like I learned just as much and at times more from that and seeing how people’s processes were evolving as I did from the texts we read.
14. Anything you would like to add?
I really look forward to continuing to develop our projects over the summer and to see how they evolve into the context of the exhibition. The learning keeps going.








