Trowbridge (2017) describes how being in the moment helps with self-awareness and focuses on multi-perspectives. I attempted to embrace these notions of self-awareness and multi-perspectives when I video recorded my children interacting with each other (and me) as they looked at the three images I share with you last week. It did not go as I planned, of course. They were goofing around, giggling, making jokes (not always good ones) and not sticking to the plan, my plan that is. And as difficult as it seemed (and frustrating at the moment), I decided to let it go and let them be who they are in all their silliness and then try and learn something from analyzing our interaction. I am working on transcribing the video to help me analyze what happened and begin to make sense of it. Certain things were very clear already. When I showed my kids the images and asked them what they remember about that day they said, “I don’t remember that day at all.” (They both remembered the graduation day and described how they felt in that day or even in the picture, which was great, but not the others.) At first, I thought to myself, “Great, where do we go from here?” But then I realized that the fact that they don’t remember it, is significant in itself! These moment mean a lot to me, because I was the one taking the picture and I do have memory of those days partially because of the pictures, to them these are just normal days, without any significant memories. And as we talked and as one reminded the other about the day and the details in that day we created a new memory by viewing the images.
Another thing that emerged was their awareness about my emotions looking at these images. The exchange that followed after I asked them about how they thought I felt about these images, was very interesting to me. My son, who was not aware of me taking the images, looked at the images for a long time and then at me and said that I was probably feeling melancholy, which in itself is, probably, not that groundbreaking, but I felt a connection created that was not there before through the process of viewing the images.
I will work on transcribing the video in the next week and perhaps write down my own narrative. I will also print out all the images that I have and bring them with me to class next week (03/21) to share with you and ask for your feedback.
See you all at the AMNH on Wednesday!
I spoke to Cristina Trowbridge on the phone a few days ago after I had read her article. I was surprised by how it focused on drawing as a “mindful” activity, as one directed towards feeling centered, focused, self-aware and at peace. I am in favor of drawing being all of that, but I pondered whether I thought of drawing that way. Amanda and you, in particular, may be seeking all those qualities that Cristina invokes as you work through some very complex feelings: grief, melancholy, sadness and love. Auto ethnographies are often studies of self and geared toward self-knowledge. Is the audience exclusively self? Not in your case or Amanda’s, and you are both thinking about audience though self is certainly primary as it may be for most artists. For Cristina the drawings did seem more private than public.
Some painters thought of drawing as a constant struggle – Cezanne and Van Gogh come quickly to mind.
It struck me as you were narrating your video recording of your children, that that event was more consciously embarked on than the photograph you initially showed us. Your kids seemed very aware of being in the eye of the camera, and so hammed it up. The relationship between memory and the photographs, the ideas about how memory is constructed and changeable, is interesting. Also how the same event, maybe obviously, carries different weight for you and your children whose memory you now imprinted with the photos and discussion. What struck me in particular was how meaningful you found your son’s recognition of your feelings. Unlike Wendy’s project in which the photos were used as vehicles to elicit the feelings of the young people she worked with, your photos are used to illuminate and deepen a relationship that is already deep, to further mutual recognition. It seems that through your process of looking and listening with your children your own version of what took place, that is to say the feelings you attached to the event through the photograph, were validated. At the same time, their experience of the event has been altered, colored by the recognition of your melancholy. And maybe their experience of you as well, how they see you.
I don’t think I saw the photos you mention in your post, but after I finish commenting on the set of posts I am now reading, I will start a Dropbox folder and link all of us to it so we can deposit our images there with less constrictions as to size.